Episode 162 - Sieges Are For Turds - TLK S5E9&10

Eileen and Spencer are on the final season of The Last Kingdom. 

Next week is the premiere of House of the Dragon’s newest season. 

As with all series conclusions, all the named characters have an appearance in episode 9 and 10. We bid farewell to Haeston, Dr/Mr House, Whitman Sampler, as well as many Saxons and Scots. Cliff Diving takes center stage. King Constantine is both entertaining and sweet, but ruthless. Will Edward like Uht’s solution? Will the QM ever stop talking about how she killed a man? Does Hild run a “hide your secret with me” thrift shop? Why did Fr. P have to sit on his ass? Horny Nuns? Confused? You won’t be after this episode of Royal Highness!

royalhighnesspod@gmail.com 

This podcast contains adult language and content and is rated 'M' for Mature. Listener discretion is advised.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Shall we do a show? Hey, that's right. That's what we do. Hello. Yeah? Did you have something to say?

SPEAKER_06 0:15

I well, I just want you to know that I had I by the way, I'm I'm today was day six of a nine-day strike. For some reason. And uh I had a dream last night about being so tired that I couldn't record.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Okay, well, we'll see what happens. Well here's the thing. I watched it, so we're gonna fucking do it. We're going to chuck. I mean, I got this so close. I had a uh a meeting that went well like I got I got like I'm running real short on time.

SPEAKER_04 0:53

Well, and additionally, this is another really good one to watch back to back. Yes, because it's one story arc.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Yes. So hello, welcome to the Royal Highness podcast, where sometimes we watch those George Martin shows for the first time while we're enhanced with cannabis products, and then we talk about them while we're still enhanced with cannabis products. But right now we are finishing up The Last Kingdom uh on Netflix, and we're gonna talk about that instead of the spectacles, uh spectacles that are happening in our nation's capital right now.

SPEAKER_06 1:29

Give me this $60 million meth fuel birthday party. Oh Jesus Christ. Hello, Spencer. Hello, Eileen. By the way, my birthday is in 10 days. I hope you have 60 million dollars.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Oh my god, we're gonna have to start building the claw now. Okay, so you think I know a guy in the vending industry. It's gonna be we're just gonna have to scale it up. That's it. Yeah. Then we can have a cage match in your backyard.

SPEAKER_06 1:55

Hey, I suppose this uh this time for uh before we get any further, I just remembered something really important that I need to share with our listener. Uh, when you consider that it is the final episode of this program that we're covering tonight, uh I I read an article not that long ago on the uh interwebs, which is not dishonest ever in any way.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

You can always believe it. That's what they say. You can believe it.

SPEAKER_06 2:24

I read a quote by Abraham Lincoln that said that. Um it was on the internet. Anyway, uh Netflix will be removing The Last Kingdom from its roster of shows in December of 2026. Oh, dang. Better get on that shit if you want to watch Utred stab people. It will be on a different streaming service.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

And remember, no matter what, he always lives. Doesn't matter what situation he's in. I okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 2:55

He's 148 years old.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

And the older he gets, the further back they shave his hair. That's how that you know he's getting older and older.

SPEAKER_06 3:06

The funny thing is that I I am six years older than the man who plays Utreid. I just remember I remember when I was the same age as the players and not the coach. You know what I mean? It's just not the same. I knew you six years ago.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Okay, it was the same. You're pretty much the same Spencer I knew six years ago, so I don't know what to tell you.

SPEAKER_06 3:31

Probably, probably ten years ago. I haven't changed. Okay, let's do a thing.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

Um let's do a thing. So we're watching The Last Kingdom season five. This is uh our episode uh to do episodes nine and ten of the last kingdom season five.

SPEAKER_06 3:51

Yeah. They're titled Episodes nine and ten. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

So starting with episode nine, Netflix says Edward marches his troops north while Utrecht recruits a small force to infiltrate by Bath Beyond. King Constantin arrives to meet his new bride, Earhwin. And then for episode ten, Netflix says, Armies converge in an epic show epic final showdown that determines the fate of a king's dream for England and Utred's hope of securing his family's future.

SPEAKER_06 4:28

Did you know that one of the armies was just gravity?

SPEAKER_02 4:34

That was the unspoken army. Yeah. Yes. Holy buckets.

SPEAKER_05 4:41

We are promised of the earth against the English.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

We are promised violence. Yes, very much a lot of violence. Nudity? Not even in the flashbacks.

SPEAKER_06 4:55

Which was disappointing.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Yeah. Uh language, turd, I think, was the worst. Arsling. Ah, and gore. Uh yeah. I'd say there was some gore.

SPEAKER_06 5:09

There was plenty of it. And and how.

SPEAKER_04 5:13

And howdy does include a blood bag break behind the rocks. Well, yes.

SPEAKER_06 5:21

Oh, I I have some complaints about a few things that happened in these episodes.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

There's I am going to have legit nightmares. There was two scenes in particular. You'll you know which ones I'm talking about if you've watched the episodes. If you're watching them with us, I hope you've you've you've found a way in here in the next six months. I've just binged it with us because that would be a fucking amazing. And if you do and you do not email or email us at royalhighnesspod.com at gmail.com. Holy fuck, I fucked it up again. RoyalHighnesspod at gmail.com. If you do not email us and tell us that you've done this, I will be so sad to know that you're out there. I know you're out there.

SPEAKER_06 6:15

It would be funny. Somebody did it. We overheard a con conversation. Hey guys, I watched The Last Kingdom on Netflix before it went off. Some podcasts said I should, but I didn't email them.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

They were funny though. I hope they would say that they were funny though. Okay, clever. I I had so many different episode titles. I I'll say them when we get into them. Uh oh, let's recap this baby. He is Utrud. Uh Wyn's been captured by Helm, and Utrud's fate has now been set because he can't say no. Whitless has the Bed Bath Beyond. Um he killed Bioka. Wait, who killed Bioka? Yeah, that's right. Whitgar killed Bioka. Utrid's gonna go to Bed Bath Beyond, but Ed's gonna go to divide the land, but then he couldn't get any support. Everybody did that I am Spartacus thing. Um, but with Utrid. Uh, even his kid wouldn't stand with him, so um Ed's keeping everybody hostage and says they can't leave. So destiny is all menacing axe sharpening.

SPEAKER_06 7:20

I was gonna say, sharpen that axe.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

That guy has an axe to grind, you know what they say, it's a grind these days. You just gotta grind, grind, grind.

SPEAKER_06 7:30

Yeah, and it turns out that that that that whetstone is actually alive, and when he stops sharpening, it just kind of goes, it's living.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

No, it was whatever there's no the the wheel wasn't the thing. It was the there was always like a um the record player, the vacuum, whatever else. Right, right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_06 7:53

Remember the Flintstones? That was a fun show. Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 7:56

Oh my god, so much misogyny. Oh man.

SPEAKER_08 8:00

Hey Fred, let's tell these dames we're gonna leave. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Anyway, what do these dames think they are?

SPEAKER_06 8:13

They decide they're going to leave in the morning one way or t'other. And mom and Edith are like, we should figure out a way to make this not happen. So they go upstairs and do uh they have a conversation. Oh Christ. You know what? I'm in a s in a way, and I I'm saying this, and I I think you'll understand. In a way, I'm sorta glad this is over because I'm tired of this conversation. You can do better because God also God all over your face. Oh, shoot that god all over me. Oh man. Stop it with that. So Ed has a moment with his his wife and his mother, and she said something about destiny. Be some of it's your destiny. And then she didn't say that. She does say that in the conversation. She doesn't say that destiny is balls, which disappoints me.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

No. Density does come up a few times.

SPEAKER_06 9:12

Yes, it does. It sure does.

SPEAKER_02 9:15

Yeah. She mom does stick the ill ultimate to him though. She's like, you know, Fled would have followed Udred.

SPEAKER_07 9:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 9:27

You should do this the right way instead of your dumb poo-poo head way.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

Oh my god, he's so fucking you know what? Helm was right about one thing. He's fucking impulsive. And a goddamn idiot.

unknown 9:40

No.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

Okay. He wasn't written that way. Who knows? In history, maybe hell of a good strategist. We don't know. These producers have written him this quick way. I I just, you know, I don't want to speak bad of the dead. Long dead. Let's too soon.

SPEAKER_06 9:55

It's been a thousand years. I'm willing to bet that King Edward's descendants aren't like, did you hear what she said? Oh, I'm pissed now. I'm gonna send an email to Royal Highness Pod and Gmail.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

Finally, please. Somebody send me an email. Oh, I will weep on the air. I will weep into my microphone if I got an actual honest email.

SPEAKER_08 10:22

Sir and madam, I represent the uh lineage of Edward the Great of England. And I must say, I am quite offended that you seem to think he was a quote unquote impulsive ass wipe. It is in fact false. He was a brilliant strategist, as you tried to suggest after insulting him and his family. I expect to reply forthwith Sincerely, Dick Hall.

SPEAKER_06 10:48

Is that spelled the English way? Yeah, there's a bunch of silent syllables in the midst of that. H O U.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

W L. Yeah. Oh man. Richable hole.

SPEAKER_06 11:10

I was doing I was doing the I was miming the typing while that was going on, by the way. You need to know that. So in the morning after this conversation.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Wait, wait, we skipped the whole part where she's like, uh, you can do it, but you're you're choosing not to because you're afraid. And you're not afraid of battle, you're afraid of Alfred. You're ready. The ghost of Alfred and his legacy. I'm afraid of him. Remember when he stood in the corner like that? It was creepy. It was creepy.

SPEAKER_08 11:43

Alfred jump scare.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

I think you're making me laugh. Oh just picturing just a sad face from the chair.

SPEAKER_08 11:58

I am so sick.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

I'm gonna die. Oh man, I am weeping. I am weeping. Oh man.

SPEAKER_08 12:08

I wrote you this note. Yes or no, I'm going to die.

SPEAKER_06 12:15

I watched the show.

SPEAKER_08 12:17

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_06 12:21

If you have been affected by any of the things that have occurred during this podcast, please feel free to call the helpline and present it at the end of the program.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Spoiler. Call 588-2300 M5. Um, that's the phone number. Oh man. Oh, so she although right. So she convinces this is where she convinces him that God will favor you. She's very convincing. Like, seize the moment. And then he and Edge kind of look at each other. I was like, what was that about?

SPEAKER_06 13:02

Like, okay, I'll do it. Do you think he called her Edge in their private moments?

SPEAKER_02 13:08

I do not know because when he pronounced her name in this episode, I went with that. Hey Edge.

SPEAKER_05 13:18

I want you to know. I have expelled I have expelled a royal fart. When I look at you in this way, it means that I've done it again.

unknown 13:32

What?

SPEAKER_06 13:33

Why do you keep looking at me that way, my lord? I had beans. We're never going to get anywhere if you keep listening to me.

SPEAKER_02 13:43

Alright, Ed calls his men off. Uh so Utrud and his folks are ready to leave, and they go through the gate, and Edward and his men are in the field outside the gate. Oh my god, they're going with them. Um, and Utrid and he do a little buddy moment, like I wouldn't go without y'all. So it was very dumb.

SPEAKER_06 14:07

Yeah, the only thing they didn't do was the the the uh handshake meme from I guess it was Predator that you see all the time.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

I do not see that meme. Well, it's like I have a very specific I have cultivated my algorithm, Spencer.

SPEAKER_06 14:26

I'll see if I can find you a version of it.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Oh no, I will not open it. No, no, no, it's literally just two arms. I'm not wrecking the algorithm.

SPEAKER_06 14:34

It's I'll I'll it's it's just two arms holding hands briefly. It's like a high five. It's not gonna wreck your algorithm, I promise.

unknown 14:43

You don't know.

SPEAKER_06 14:45

Epic is that might be It's not a euphemism for something, I'm pretty confident. Mike, is that a euphemism for anything?

SPEAKER_02 14:52

Epic handshake. What did you do last night? I went to the club. Oh, did you get that big handshake? Could be, could be.

SPEAKER_07 15:03

I'm going to the wrong clubs.

unknown 15:08

Oh man.

SPEAKER_06 15:09

I just have muscular dudes grip in my hand. Anyway, Utrid gives us we're on scene three. Utrid gives a big old speech, and then there's whooping, and then they show Utrid not riding a horse.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

Yeah. You know, I imagine it might hurt. Probably. Yeah. He might still have stitches, or it might not have healed right, you know. And you don't know what's down there. You don't want to know what meat was left over.

SPEAKER_06 15:39

But they had to talk ever again. That was bad.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

Oh man. I am so you do you know how fucking excited I am for House of the Dragon? Oh my fucking God. All right. We go to Bebenburgh. You know why? Because there's chickens there. Everyone, every named character is on the that's on the good side is riding toward Bidbath Beyond.

SPEAKER_06 16:02

Yeah, and all the bad guys are in one room. Yep. And and they're having a conversation, and it's gross. Whitgar and Ethelhelm are talking about getting Constantine hooked up with Elfwyn, and Ethelhelm says the word consummated in such a creepy way. It's really good. I was grossed out by it, and I typed it out. Why did he say consummated in such a creepy way? And then I realized Whitgar, for all his faults, is with a worse person.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

And why does he look like he just literally fell off the cover of Sergeant Pepper?

SPEAKER_05 16:40

He does look like he did.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

He just like just hopped off, hopped off that album cover.

SPEAKER_06 16:48

Mama Lived Bebimbah.

SPEAKER_02 16:51

He's got the beard, the weird beard, he's got the mop hair. I'm like, what is what is happening?

SPEAKER_06 16:59

Oh wait, are you telling me that the Beatles had the same hairdo as people 1,000 years earlier?

SPEAKER_02 17:05

No, I'm saying people in 2020, whatever made this whenever this was made, decided that people back then had hair like Prince Valiant, which was pretty accurate. I guess it came from drawings or whatever. I don't know. You know, they looked at a deck of cards and said, Wow, everybody had a bob or a bowl cut.

SPEAKER_06 17:26

Sir, I don't think that's uh that's a historical document. Sure, it's his bicycle on it. Bicycles are old. This is real. You wanna fight me? There's 52 of them.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

They must be real. It must be. He's going, he witless is look, he's just going on about how Helm has no fucking clue what the fuck's going on. And Hagrid's like, hey, isn't your cousin some like badass that fights for Wessex?

SPEAKER_06 17:56

And and he goes, Yep, which is why he ain't leaving. Also, that that uh that guy you keep calling Hagrid, his name is Yah Yahya.

SPEAKER_07 18:10

Yahya, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

It's too late for me to learn his name. We are on episodes nine and ten, so he is Hagrid throughout my entire notes. I will remain Hagrid.

SPEAKER_06 18:22

I will adapt accordingly because I wrote his name over and over again. Continuing to wonder if I spelt it wrong. But it will be Hagrid.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

You're aware from your hairy.

SPEAKER_02 18:35

Hey, Sith found was it Sith that found Kinliff? Yeah, Kinliff and Kinliff's like, let me tell you what the fuck happened to me. And they're all like, no time. Yeah. I'm sorry, there's no time for that. This fucking is like, whoa, you won't believe that. They're like, seriously, dude, we cannot Rose and Cranzigil disturb this right now. We got other shit going on.

SPEAKER_06 19:00

So I don't know if uh you were if you remember election night special, the Monty Python skit where they jump around from place to place doing the uh election returns, and they cut at one point to Eric Idle and he says, Can I just say this is the first time I've been on television? And it cuts back to John Cleese. No, I'm sorry, there isn't time for that. That's the scene. Kinlev had so much to tell us, but it's not important. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Um, and they're like, hey, it looks like Constantine is gonna fuck off by boat. Arrive. Not so much. Well arrive by boat, but on fuck. Right. And they're like, why? Why?

SPEAKER_08 19:42

I mean that's Utred. He's like, onward. Yeah, we're gonna just keep going.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

Yeah, I got a lot of shit to do before uh before we leave.

SPEAKER_06 19:51

So yeah, and and Hagrid says he wants three scouting missions every day, and when when they finally see something, the Scottish Army, they're gonna set fire to that church over there.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

Right? Can we do that?

SPEAKER_06 20:05

That seems like an excessive amount of We're going out.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

If you can't make it, can you set fire to that warehouse over there? Or you can text me or like send a messenger.

SPEAKER_06 20:18

Yeah, how about uh single flare? There you go, just uh somebody'd have to be looking right at it.

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Someone also would have to be having invented and brought, not invented, but brought, as we've established, uh gunpowder from China all the way to correct uh which they probably had in some capacity, but it just wasn't widespread yet. I don't know, I'm gonna have to look that up. Join us for our other series. What the fuck? Did that happen? That's actually a soon to be started, never.

SPEAKER_06 20:58

We'll get on that in time. We find out that uh I by the way, at this point I started shortening shortening things. It's now berg in my in my notes because of the bath beyond? Yeah, it's a lot shorter. I just called it B Berg, and Constantine becomes C Dog.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

C Dog. I like it. I like it. I spelled out Constantine every single time.

SPEAKER_06 21:20

It basically auto-finished for me, but yeah, I every time I got C-O-N-S-T, it said constipated. No.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_04 21:32

See, you have not trained your algorithm.

SPEAKER_02 21:35

No, no. So they're camping and uh blah blah blah. And she's like, okay, mom, mom, you have to stay here. Come on, we know she's not gonna stay there.

SPEAKER_07 21:55

As obnoxious as possible. Remember that man I stabbed? I stabbed the man. And stab him.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

You know what? They they haven't played on that again. Well, it's a little late now. Well, I know. I'm so mad. They should have been like, she should have been like, oh, I've got my dagger. This is my chance.

SPEAKER_07 22:14

Stab me, stab me, stab me. Give me a bigger one, and I'll stab two men at the same time.

SPEAKER_06 22:20

Uh so there's a little warming up, there's some stuff, and then all of a sudden we see a boat arrive at Bieberg, and it's actually Constantine with two dudes.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

Yeah, he's arrived on his private dinghy through the front gate. And here's where we find out, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

He's like, hey, Constantine's here. And like, and Helm's like, uh, hey, you're early.

SPEAKER_06 22:48

Yeah, he starts bitching at him about being too early. And C Dog's like, well, it's likely they already knew I'm here. There's spies everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

Oh my god. Helm's like, I was hoping for a more quiet arrival. Maybe not so much flashing. Hey, look at me. I'm on the beach. I got a boat. I got two news. Come with me. Go to the fortress. Here I come.

SPEAKER_06 23:14

Front gauge. He was not at all opposed to making some noise showing up.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Helm's trying to school him on how to king. He's basically I'm like, oh Constantine's like, uh, yeah, whatever you suckins.

SPEAKER_06 23:32

I think you'd like to know that you're not king and I am, so shut up.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

And he's like, is that haircut the heir to the throne for real?

SPEAKER_08 23:44

Yes. This is lad with the with the knob on his head. He's gonna be king, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

He's like, got some advice for you. What's the advice? Uh don't listen to your advice. Don't trust uh right, don't trust no one who advises you. Kind of side-eyes Helm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 24:05

And Helm just goes, oh, what a funny thing to say. Please don't say that ever again.

SPEAKER_06 24:10

Hey, bring forth the girl, Baethead, and bring her out. My turn to complain. This scene begins with an overhead shot of Elfwyn standing in her quarters, and she stands there for half a second and then starts walking. Which means someone said action. And she started actioning. And I wrote in my notes, don't forget to complain about this scene where Elfwin starts walking clearly after someone shouts action off-screen.

SPEAKER_02 24:44

Yeah, that's that's not her fault. That's bad editing.

SPEAKER_06 24:48

That's terrible editing. Because they could have just trimmed it like a quarter of a second further, and they would have caught her in her first step, but instead it's action. Take a step.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

Okay, just keep actress playing when what I would need you to do is I need you to circle the room until I say action. Come to me. Just keep walking, walking around the room. Just keep walking and action then walks towards me.

SPEAKER_06 25:18

They should have rolled, they should have added it the scene better. Just say it. You're not supposed to see that.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

So Constantine's like, uh, nah, I think I want to eat first, then I'll meet her. Because you know that old saying.

SPEAKER_06 25:33

Never meet a bride on an empty stomach. That's right. Who says that? Nobody. I've never heard anybody say that. He said it. That is literally it. All right. So she's been married before? Several times. Yeah. I'm good at it.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Or not. Do you know how many years I've been married? Not consecutively.

SPEAKER_06 26:02

Not consecutively. It's like the Grover Cleveland of marriages.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Oh man, I am just I kind of suck at it. But uh this one's pretty good so far.

SPEAKER_06 26:13

Yeah. So let's let's move on. Uh outside, Utrud's thinking about a direct attack. And he's having a discussion with Finn about it. Like we should just take a small group of us and just go up to the front gates and do a thing.

SPEAKER_02 26:28

We should Monty Python this shit. We should just write up come up and have a look.

SPEAKER_06 26:33

This scene, um, this is back-to-back editing failures. Finn was 80 yard big time. I I I can hear the difference in tone between the stuff that's recorded there and the stuff that's recorded in the st- Mike knows what I'm talking about. There's a different in difference in tone, and it was so clear and so crisp and so right in front of the mic. It was just like holy shit, man. Back off the mic a little bit when you're doing your ADR. Sound like you're in a field in in in Northumbria. This was who?

SPEAKER_02 27:08

Finn?

SPEAKER_06 27:09

Finn, yeah. Well the editor again.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

Yeah. Oh wow. I'm gonna miss. You know what? This was the next to the last episode, and they were so ready to be done. They so had senioritis, they were like, and you know this, okay. So they you knew that the last episode was going to be just battle, battle, battle, battle, battle. Everybody's gonna die or whatever. So this is the one where everybody gets their big scenes. So they'll get to the big scenes one by one, which are kind of a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_06 27:41

But did they have to give Dennis the editing responsibilities?

SPEAKER_02 27:45

I mean, maybe they were like, you know what? You know what? Dennis has been a good intern all these years. We haven't paid him a dime. Oh, let's let him let's let him edit this these final two, and uh, we'll go and start the party. And he can't come. Poor Dennis.

SPEAKER_06 28:07

Well, he had that back, he doesn't need anything else.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

Yeah, and Sith Sith is like, hey, uh, Constantine's already at the fortress.

SPEAKER_06 28:16

So the ambush is off. Ed wants to attack anyway.

SPEAKER_02 28:20

And he's just like, we misjudged how many many's like, just like two dudes, yeah. He's like, wait, what? That doesn't seem right. And that's like, we should attack now. It's just three dudes. We can take three dudes. I mean, we can just sneak up on three dudes, and bull cuts.

SPEAKER_06 28:42

Can't can't do it well off with Zar either because she could die.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

Right, but this was this would they should have just Monty Python this shit at this point, right? Did it seem to be the shit they end up doing?

SPEAKER_06 28:53

Come on! Did it seem to you like everything in this episode was mistimed? Like all the plans were off by several hours in interaction. Like everything they tried to do, oh shit, it already started. Well, we're hanging up a clip face, or oh shit, it already started. Well, uh, we've been captured, or oh shit, it already started, and oh, everyone's dead already. It's just like Oh, so it's just like being in the American in all my wars. Yeah. Ot says he's gonna take four guys, but he doesn't say where, he doesn't say how, or he doesn't say what what they're gonna do. He just said, I'm gonna take a few people, I'm gonna go ask for help.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

If it works, I'll be back with when. Yeah and if it doesn't, then I guess we don't talk ever again, and then folks, and then they're getting ready to go. And his the final pharmacy penny's like, uh, so what's the plan? So he tells them whatever, and they're like, uh, and if that doesn't work, he's like, then we ask Vinon for a plan. Like, that seemed improvised. Yeah, like maybe he was supposed, and they just made that up, and they're like, ah, I get it's the second to last episode. Okay, that'll be funny.

SPEAKER_06 30:09

So they they ride north uh to the next cove, and they find a bunch of horny nuns.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

Yes, yes, they do. Bunch of giggly nuns. Look at boys. Do you know how long it took me to figure out uh Hilda's name? I typed it.

SPEAKER_06 30:29

I see this is what I typed. Scene 10. It's nuns, they're horny. In the nunnery, Utred looks for and finds Hilde. Is that her name?

SPEAKER_02 30:39

Yes, that's her name. I said, Oh, it's that lady. I can't remember her name. The warrior nun. What the fuck is her name? I just kept calling her nun until I figured out it was Hilde because they saw the little thing that came up and I went, oh Hilde! And she's got Alice there, the St. Cuthbert girl, right?

SPEAKER_06 31:00

Yes. But who brought her there? None other than one big puffy Viking. Yeah! Woo! Okay, so it's Eston. Who is now a traitor? Uh thinks it'd be a good one.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

First, did you think he was gonna ask if they could dress up like nuns?

SPEAKER_06 31:24

Yeah, I did, actually. I did, I did, I did, yes. My first thought was Hilde, I need you to give me four outfits.

SPEAKER_02 31:33

Yes! Why didn't they do that?

SPEAKER_06 31:36

Because it would have been too goofy.

SPEAKER_02 31:37

Oh, it would have been fucking brilliant.

SPEAKER_06 31:39

Yeah, but it would have been goofy, like watching these big burly dudes, because they're big burly dudes, dress up like nuns and just walk up to We'd like to come in here and play a bunch of stuff with all the nuns.

SPEAKER_09 31:56

You know why do they sound like Carmen? You guys I've been a nun for five years. I've seen one winner.

SPEAKER_02 32:07

I don't know. Oh man. Anyway, Hilda takes him to go see Heston, and he kind of sneaks up on him and like pulls his sword on him.

SPEAKER_06 32:19

Yeah, and then pokes him with the with the butt of the sword. I don't know why he did that. It could have just been like Estinel pal or you fucking guy. What's up? No.

SPEAKER_02 32:30

He's like, I need your help. You got to distract the household guard, the Hagrid and his boys. Yeah. And then if you don't Yeah, that's like, nope, I don't like that for myself. Fuck you. No, not interested. You know what? Fair. That's a Game of Thrones move.

SPEAKER_08 32:51

Yeah. I don't wanna. I don't wanna.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

Not gonna. I don't wanna, not gonna. Anyway. Yeah. And he can't refuse, or he'll come back to punish him. There we go. Uh so Utred tries to humiliate him, like, you're gonna die without honor, and blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. And then he's like, Oh wait, I'll give you money if you'll just pretend that something's going on and distract them, you know. Yeah, throw a fit or something. Um, you know who's gonna win.

SPEAKER_06 33:21

Well, over here on me.

SPEAKER_02 33:23

Yeah. And then Huston's honest. He's like, you know, you shouldn't trust me. Well, it's because I'm I've never given you any reason to trust me. I have betrayed you in every turn. You know what? That's fucking fair. Why is he? Why is he trusting him? Desperation. So basically, he's like, at first I couldn't figure out how why he goes, it's gonna cost you how I lure them. And I'm like, what does that mean? And I just figured it out. But that has to pay for all that shit, he has to buy all the stuff to quote wash up on shore so that they can recover it. It's uh it's an interesting. He loses twice too, because he has to buy it all back later, which is awesome. Okay, so Peerlig is gonna be sitting on what boat.

SPEAKER_06 34:23

I don't know, but he's gonna be on his ass while it happens. Is he throwing this stuff overboard? I think he's on the boat where that it's still out there. It doesn't it's not clear. Because remember, we we see the boat-ish, we see the gear, we see Hild and Heston. We never see Pearling. I have no idea where he is.

SPEAKER_02 34:46

He's just Okay, thank you! I'm like, I'm losing my shit. I wasn't Pearl Lig supposed to be involved in this somehow.

SPEAKER_06 34:52

No, you're you're right. It's just like, well, there's a thing that happens. Where is he? How did he get here?

SPEAKER_08 34:58

Yeah, because the boat is shipwrecked. What have I done?

SPEAKER_06 35:01

Is it?

SPEAKER_08 35:01

I don't know. This is not my beautiful house. Um This is not my blocking boat. You might find yourself behind the wheel of a large trire.

SPEAKER_06 35:11

God damn it, that sucks. Okay, so in the woods, there's Scotsman. Cool. Next scene. Edward is impatient.

SPEAKER_02 35:21

That's who it was. I said, who was that riding through the woods? And then I said it had to have been Scots because they were all gingers.

SPEAKER_06 35:29

Yes, that's really I want to say racist, but they're white.

SPEAKER_02 35:34

I know. Nope, it's a gingerist. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_06 35:37

I have nothing against gingers, it's just I think red hair is lovely, but that's I think it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 35:43

I I have many friends that are of red hair. I had red hair for many years, like a natural-ish red in the 90s.

SPEAKER_06 35:52

I think my wife's my wife is naturally red, though. Like aubertney.

SPEAKER_02 35:57

Okay, yeah, that's what I wanted. I got gray. I started going gray at 16. Woo-hoo! Yay me.

SPEAKER_06 36:03

So that's like we're gonna attack because Ethelstan and Kinleff come back saying we haven't seen things from Utrud yet. Uh and and Bullcut is is like goes up to Ayleswith and she's like, You gotta do something, talk to him again, or whatever. And instead, she and Edith just leave. Where are you going? South. Okay, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 36:24

What is going on with Utrud? Why is he such a weenie? That's funny. You should mention that because he doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 36:32

Is it because he has no weenie?

SPEAKER_06 36:36

He's gotta double up on weenie because he he's gotta represent and he's missing one. That's really horrible.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

I don't know. He's they've given him the let's put it this way they've given him terrible lines, just the worst lines.

SPEAKER_07 36:50

He doesn't care what happens to my father.

SPEAKER_02 36:53

Mom and Bullcutt talk about how Ed now believes he has some sort of divine blessing, and mom's like, oh fuck damn it, that's me.

SPEAKER_07 37:01

My bad. Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 37:06

Which is basically fuck me, my bad. That's what it says. Yeah. She's like, come with me uh if you want to live, basically, and eat this. Come with me if you want to live. And we cut to when looking out her window again at the water below, and it's one of those stomach-churning views. So this is kind of a fun scene. I did like this scene. Yes. Uh Constantine comes in, they just verbally spar, and she's like, I don't want to marry you. He's like, uh, that's awesome, because I don't want to marry you either.

SPEAKER_08 37:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

He's like, she's like, you have no idea. And uh he asks her who her boyfriend is. She's like, none of your business. And he's like, well, I'm in love, and I'm not gonna betray her. Um, so but she's married, so it's a whole thing. We got this big whole situationship going on. So uh here's the thing you'll be my wife, you'll live in comfort, everything you want, you never have to see me, we'll never share a bed, and I'll never love you. And she's like, Whew! Thanks for being honest.

SPEAKER_06 38:27

Yeah, I was surprised at his warmth in this scene. Yes, I was expecting I honestly I was expecting rapey rape, and it didn't happen.

SPEAKER_02 38:40

No, well, he has a he's one of those guys who has a front, I think, of being this very smart.

SPEAKER_05 38:50

He looked like he was uncomfortable around her. Yeah. Like, I don't like gals. Yeah, especially galley.

SPEAKER_02 38:58

I don't think that was I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 39:00

I just had this look like he was really awkward and and reluctant to even really talk to her.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

He didn't look at her directly until the end when they'd finally because he's he said he does not want to betray the the woman he loves.

SPEAKER_06 39:12

Yeah. So I mean good for her and good for her. Because she gets to preserve her her uh chastity.

SPEAKER_02 39:20

Correct.

SPEAKER_06 39:21

And and he gets to stay in love with whomever this is that he's not telling us about because it's not important because it's episode nine.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

That's right. I bet if we looked it up, he was famous for having some long-lasting love with some mistress he could never be with, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. People who people who know history, history and don't just get history from jeopardy like I do.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

They're speakers, right?

SPEAKER_02 39:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 39:43

They're like, of course, Constantine was famously in love with the Lieberburp. A full flair.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

All the Libelberp was, well, she was great. Um, yeah. A full lever burp. Thank you very much. Next scene. I just wrote, oh fuck no. Just all the nope, nope, nope, nope. That's all I had to write to remember what this scene is. They've decided, or Utrid is going to show them the way to get into Bath Beyond is by crawling along one of those insane cliffside paths you see that exist in the world. I'm sure this was on a stage set and they were like three feet off the ground, which is hilarious. It didn't make me any less uncomfortable. Correct. Mine, me neither. So I'm watching this going, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I'd need lots of ropes. I'd need ropes and a net and a balloon to catch me if I fall, so I can gently be pillowed as I float into the awaiting caravan to take me to my spa day. That's how I would like to fall off a mountain face. Thank you. But this is just them in their armor and weapons. Kids, don't go along a mountain path.

SPEAKER_06 41:00

Don't do any of that.

SPEAKER_02 41:02

Mm-mm. Not like this. Nope. Nope. Not for the not for the Graham. So Hagrid calls Whitless to the guard, right? They're a wood guard in the Come to the beach. Um, they go to the beach. Uh so here's where Haston and Hilda, this the comedy theme of, are pretending their ship got wrecked and they're waiting, they're waiting for the tide to come in so they can get as much salvage as they can. Cut back to double fuck no. Because now they've come to the end of a path that and and there's been some sort of like shearing of this the mountainside, which happens in in cliffsides like that, right? They shear off. So the path is gone. So basically, Utreid's like, well, we can start a new life right here on the ledge. Just a happy little polycule right here on the ledge, or we can't go back. That'll take too long. We can't go down because that's just basically uh unaliving yourself. And we can't go forward. So the only thing is, oh, we gotta go up. Let's go up. And they're all like, oh fuck you. Do you know how hard it is to learn to free climb like that? And these men are wearing, they're like they're wearing battle boots and swords poking out. I'm like, but they do it, they do it. No spoilers here, kids. You know they do, because he's in episode 10. They all are. Okay, cheers.

SPEAKER_06 42:35

Surprise, surprise.

SPEAKER_02 42:37

Helm and Whitless and Constantine. And Whitless is like, I'm keeping all the stuff that's here because it's on my land. And Constantine's like, you know what? This smells fishing. And I'm not just saying that because it's the city.

SPEAKER_03 42:56

Everything smells fishy here.

SPEAKER_02 42:58

Everything does at this at the beach. Doesn't matter where you are. Especially if you come from the Midwest, you don't smell fishy things a lot, hopefully, for you. Good for you. Um, where is this going? I don't know. Okay, so Constantine's like, this sounds fishy. Uh, could be sea raiders, right?

SPEAKER_06 43:20

Yeah, they're capable of a ploy.

SPEAKER_02 43:22

Yeah. Hagrid is now taking his men to the shore, and Whitless is there, and he's like, Hey, uh, come on into the fortress. They're like, no, uh, we're gonna wait here for the stuff. And he's like, ah, you're so dumb. I insist, and then there's like they pull them into the fortress. It's basically go in there.

SPEAKER_06 43:40

There's gonna be a wedding, you'll have fun, go in now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:44

I think is that what they were supposed to do? Or were they supposed to stay on the beach and keep the distraction going? They're supposed to distract. But um again, everything's timed poorly. Yeah, I thought the plan was for them to get into the fortress, so anyway.

SPEAKER_06 44:00

No.

SPEAKER_02 44:00

They're still climbing other side.

SPEAKER_06 44:02

No, the boys were supposed to get into the fortress. The easy way, which they failed to do. And Held and Heston were meant to distract all the guards long enough such that it would be easier for the boys to sneak in through whatever means they chose to do.

SPEAKER_02 44:21

Right. Get as many people down to the beach as possible.

SPEAKER_06 44:24

Yeah, but they already were heading back up with arms arms filled with loot.

SPEAKER_02 44:28

Cut to them climbing up the cliff now. Batman their way up the cliff.

SPEAKER_06 44:34

And Finn gets bird shit on his hand. Oh crap. And he's like, oh, would you look at that? Jesus. And then he just loses his grip and starts to fall. And I almost shit my pants. I don't like that.

SPEAKER_02 44:50

I you knew you were gonna have it. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 44:54

No, it would have been fine if it didn't happen. And I didn't know if Finn was gonna survive because it's episode nine. It could have been the end.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

Well, that's true. It could have been the end of Finnon, but it wasn't the end of Finnan. Finnon was saved because of course he was, because he's a named character and has not had his moment yet.

SPEAKER_06 45:11

Inside they take Heston's weapon and send Hilde down to the kitchen to change. And outside, the boys have made it to the wall of the fortress and find a conspicuously odd opening in this huge wall made of timbers.

SPEAKER_02 45:26

It's just like the original Zelda. You gotta look for the bricks that are slightly darker. Yeah. Then you know to put the bomb there. And then boom!

SPEAKER_06 45:33

This is where the bomb goes because it indicates there's a hole underneath this rock. So Heston's warming his nuts by fire.

SPEAKER_02 45:41

And Helm comes in, and Heston's like, dude, I know you.

SPEAKER_06 45:49

And fucking Scar from The Lion King's like, Oh yes, you knocked me in Alfred's too. And it's overtly evil at this point. It's great.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Well Heston's like, Well, yeah, he gotta go. Well, yeah. Oh, look at the time. You gotta go.

SPEAKER_06 46:11

Yeah, I gotta beat the traffic. It's gonna snow, so I don't want to get caught in the blizzard when it's dark out, you know, deer get out.

SPEAKER_02 46:17

Make sure to take it to go. All right. The guards are keeping it. Did you grab a toy of funeral potatoes? I think there's some extra cool whipped containers under the sink there. This one's all tomato-y. Did you put spaghetti in it once? Well, you got to sometimes. That's the only thing you got to put it in. And you might you just gotta remember not to microwave it.

SPEAKER_06 46:38

Put it on a paper plate with saran wrap on it, you know? Yeah, then you poke a hole in it and zap it one or two times, and then you can eat it.

SPEAKER_02 46:44

We live the life. Come back to us for more life tips. All right, none sees uh Wynn. Sees Wynn and weird talking like they're friends. It was weird. And the guards come through. So it's one of those, like you see who you're looking for, and then the bus goes by. Yeah, yeah. Only this time, there was a train of um soldiers carrying chests of all that's all and then they're like, ah god shit. So she loses sight of them. Back to Utrud and those guys. It's actually Sith who does most of the just banging.

SPEAKER_08 47:29

I was thinking the same thing. And then Utrud comes in for the hero move.

SPEAKER_02 47:35

I'm like, you dick.

SPEAKER_06 47:38

Maybe he kicked because he was standing already, and that way Citrick didn't have to stand up and do it.

SPEAKER_02 47:44

I thought he shouldered it. He kicked it.

SPEAKER_06 47:48

With the heel of his boot, and then they bust through. Nice perfect hole, of course. They all get in, of course, and then they they pack the hole, and then all of a sudden they hear a ruckus and realize here come the soldiers. And Citric delightfully hides in the bucket.

SPEAKER_02 48:07

He does a cartoon jump and duck into the giant um snake basket that just happens to be there, you know. I wonder if there's a uh like one of those, one of the cobras inside. That would be unfortunate. Not a lot of snakes in the British Isles. Just want to mention that. Not a lot of baskets that look like that either. I'm just saying could have come from someplace else and has been.

SPEAKER_06 48:33

It would have been unbelievably funny if he had jumped in that basket and there had been A, another person in the basket already, or B, a chicken. Either of those things would have been so great. Quick, they're coming. Just a pissed-off chicken in a room, and the guards walk in and everyone's hiding, and they're like, that chicken's pissed, and then they move on. So anyway, they put on guards' clothes. Well, Udry.

SPEAKER_02 49:05

Oh my god. Yeah, a nun's outfits would have been better. I'm just saying it's one easy piece. Just whoop, it's a one piece nun piece. You just put it on zoop. You're done. Wimple doesn't wimple included. It's just like an inflatable suit. Although it's your face. I didn't realize it was. Oh my god, are there inflatable non-costumes?

SPEAKER_06 49:31

There should be.

SPEAKER_02 49:33

Oh my god, look it up. Hang on.

SPEAKER_06 49:36

I want to know how in 161 episodes the word wimple has come up more than it should. This it begins to it begins to be become a comedy of errors uh here at this point. Edward wants to attack, regardless of where Utrid and Elfwyn are. And uh the fellas are up on the ramparts trying to figure out what's going on, and Utrid sees Whitgar and just starts walking at him in that way he does when he wants to murder something. And the guys are like, Don't do it, don't do it.

SPEAKER_02 50:12

Like a very mad, angry beetle.

SPEAKER_06 50:15

And he backs off at the last second, and Whitgar sees Finn and Citrix standing there and thinks that they're part of the Scottish party. So he goes up to Finn and asks what he's doing up on the ramparts where he ought not to be. And this is where we get to see the fact that the actor who plays Finnon is in fact Scottish. Scottish, yes, not Irish, yes. And he just drops the Irish accent for a minute and speaks normally and immediately gets arrested as a consequence.

SPEAKER_02 50:51

Right, because Constantine's like, I don't know that dude.

SPEAKER_08 50:55

He's not one of mine.

SPEAKER_02 50:56

That's not one of mine. So they get picked up, they get cuffed and hauled off.

SPEAKER_06 51:01

And dragged to the red room in the bottom of Cloud City where they torture the robots because that's what it looked like to me. I don't know if anyone else saw that, but I did.

SPEAKER_02 51:10

I have no no context.

SPEAKER_06 51:12

Is this in episode five Star Wars where they they take up in Cloud City where the Ugnauts take apart the robots? And they they torture Mike knows what's up. This reminds me of a Star Wars. Anyway, Eileen's now dead, so I'll finish the show. Uh it's so cute that you're a Disney adult. I like no. I like Star Wars before I was taken over by Disney. Thank you. So uh they're captured, and then back inside, Heston is paid off guard so he can leave, and he hides from the guards as they walk past. And then, like a fucking Nimrod, he turns around and sees Elfwin, and he's like, Hey you! Come with me! And he's like grabs her.

SPEAKER_02 52:03

Uh tries to grab her. Uh she's like, Who are you? I'm Haston.

SPEAKER_03 52:09

Hasten, try to kill my mom!

SPEAKER_06 52:12

It's like, oh fuck. Uh this is what happens when there's 14 people in a country and everyone knows each other. Yeah. Oh, you're the one who tried doing b to my buh. Well, that's bad. Now I'm gonna scream and yell.

SPEAKER_08 52:25

You're not safe, you're not my dad, I don't know you. I'm not sure who you are exactly, but I'm supposed to not like ya.

SPEAKER_06 52:33

So C Dog comes in and and he's like, So, who are you? Your partners have been caught, and you'd better you'd better talk. And he's got him sword to the belly, and Heston's like, Well, I'm gonna tell you the truth because I'm only here for myself. I have no pals, and I am here on my own.

unknown 52:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 52:57

And by the way, Hilde's up in the rafters watching this, just going, Oh, thank god, he didn't give us away.

SPEAKER_02 53:03

But Constantine's like, Stabby, stabby, stabby.

SPEAKER_06 53:07

Yeah, stop, stop, stop, stop, stab. So bye, Aston. That's the end of him.

SPEAKER_02 53:12

Yeah, I guess I am sad. I mean, then Constantine's like, get the priest, I'm sick of this. We're gonna get married, tired of all of it. Uh, cut to Edith and Mom, and they see Stiora.

SPEAKER_06 53:25

Yeah, it was funny because they're like lost in the woods, and all of a sudden Ailswith's like, I know where we are because I have a dagger.

SPEAKER_07 53:33

I know where you are.

SPEAKER_06 53:35

Steora's like whoop out of nowhere and have a chat.

SPEAKER_02 53:39

So the boys And I said, So here I said, Steora and Mom talk. Okay, what are the odds of them running into each other? Okay, but then I'm like, that's right. It's the second to last episode. All the named characters have to have a part in this episode.

SPEAKER_03 53:56

Yes, they do.

SPEAKER_02 53:57

So it's the final episode.

SPEAKER_06 53:59

So anyway, Hagrid's like, soldiers are coming, and uh, so the boys and uh yeah, the boys are chained up, and Utrud is in the room. Yeah. With it with his awesome hat. Which doesn't fit on his weird hair and his like matrix. On his mohawk. I don't know what the fuck he's wearing, but and Whitgar's like, I wanna, I want the first punch, and that's when uh Hagrid reveals that there's people showing up.

SPEAKER_02 54:25

Utrud and Sith kind of nod to each other, you know, hey, we know what's going on. Um, they're securing the gates, and Utred's like, Fuck, not yet. Edward, here he comes, dump the ripple.

SPEAKER_06 54:40

Yeah, so he sends Ethelstan up to the gate to act as messenger, and he says, Give us Ethelhelm and Elpin. Or we'll fucking kill you all.

SPEAKER_02 54:54

Satan death, dun dun d. Surtain death.

SPEAKER_06 54:58

So they fire at his horse. And he's like, mm-hmm. Alright then, I get it. And he turns around and goes back and says They said no. With a crossbow.

SPEAKER_02 55:09

And that's the end of uh episode nine. Episode nine.

SPEAKER_06 55:12

Well, uh, the boys before the episode ends, the fellas get loose and kill their torturers, don't they? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:19

No, that's in episode 10.

SPEAKER_06 55:21

Okay, well, that's the start of episode 10. I didn't put a break because it's all the same to this guy.

SPEAKER_02 55:28

Well, it went right into the song for me.

SPEAKER_06 55:30

It did, yes.

SPEAKER_02 55:31

There's no so there's no break. There was no cold open on on episode 10, which is interesting. Uh, we start with this is where we start with Stan and Hagrid, and Hagrid shoots at Stan's feet. Um, so then Utrid asks about Utrid. What nothing yet. They're going so uh uh then the bad guys are gonna parade Wynn on the ramparts.

SPEAKER_06 55:54

Yes, in order to indicate that she's there. Ethelhelm is not a fan. He wants the wedding done done dunzy done.

SPEAKER_02 56:02

So the fucking background shit. You gotta watch the back. If you have a chance, just watch the show, but not pay attention to the main shit. Just watch what's going on in the background. It's fucking hilarious. There was guards like trading arrows back and forth. They're like looking at you going, oh, nice arrow. You go, Carl, that's a good arrow.

SPEAKER_06 56:20

It's just like Dennis make this arrow, he's getting better and better. So Wyn's up on the ramparts, and and Hagrid's holding her at knife point. And Utrid uh uh Whitgar is right there. Like, well, if she does if they don't wanna if they uh we could show her show them how ruthless we are, throw her over the ramparts.

SPEAKER_03 56:42

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_06 56:42

Show them how ruthless we are. And Hagrid doesn't want to do it, and just enough hesitation lets Utrid capture Whitgar by the hair and hold him at knife point. Well, that didn't last. Utr gets in a scuffle, uh Whitgar runs away, Hagrid runs away.

SPEAKER_02 57:00

I don't know what happened to I did at one point somebody did yell, Guards, seize him! I thought that was great. I'm like, yeah. It should happen.

SPEAKER_06 57:11

That's the most that is the most uh stereotypical But uh Finn tells Utrid where they are, and they've got Hilde who tells him about how Haston and he's like ah finally he will see ballala blah blah blah blah blah and then Sea Dog and House find out now Whitless is walking around yelling Utrud and House is like Utrud of Beppenbird?

SPEAKER_08 57:34

And like, no, Utrid the imposter, he's a big dick. Wait a minute, isn't his son named Utrid?

SPEAKER_02 57:42

I don't know that Wickwagd we call him Utrud. We call him Utrud, but his name is Utrid, is it not? The kid who got his meanie.

SPEAKER_06 57:49

It's Utrud's all the way down. Weenie whacked, right? Yes. I there was a lot of fight happening, and you you see a lot of shit going on, and meanwhile, while the fight's happening, our our gang is moving through the castle.

SPEAKER_02 58:03

The key thing is. And Hagrid was Hagrid was playing the real life version of Last Kingdom for PS4. Like he's going from like opening to opening, like as the arrows, he's timing the arrows. What? Yeah, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. No, one, two, three, four.

SPEAKER_06 58:21

See, in your more modern games, you wait until six shots have been fired because then you gotta reload the revolver. Well, the the the key thing that happens in the upcoming scene is that the pitch team keeps getting hit by crossbows, but it doesn't matter because they finished the job and dumped pitch on the ram team, and it is awful.

SPEAKER_02 58:40

Yeah. I said, oop, there's the gore, because hot pitch on on European flesh is is just a recipe for soup. So not a good soup.

SPEAKER_06 58:53

Also, I should mention the church is on fire.

SPEAKER_02 58:56

Yes, which means that the Constantine's men are on the way.

SPEAKER_06 58:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 59:00

Cut to Helm and Weird, and Helm's given Weird some like hard truths, I wrote, but I don't remember what he told him.

SPEAKER_06 59:11

He was talking about how your your father's lost his mind, and as soon as you signed up with me, you lost his favor. And they show us the rafters of this room where literally everyone is. Elkin's there, Hilda's there, the boys are there, they're all fucking there. Everyone's in the room, but no one knows that they're up there, and they're talking to each other. How can they not hear the conversation? Hey, can you take them to safety?

SPEAKER_05 59:40

Yeah, I can. Give me a sword. All right then, here you go. Bye-bye. It's not too loud, is it? They're right there, they won't hear you. Bah.

SPEAKER_02 59:48

But the funny thing is, okay, so I don't know. Uh Mike will get this. Mike will get this reference. I don't know if you will, Spencer. But I totally got Doctor Who uh Doctor Donna vibes from the episode where they're across from so when Utred are across from each other in the rafters, and they see each other and they're like, just like mouthing, you it's you. Anyway, that's one of my favorite scenes. But that's good. They uh I I got to meet her at a uh Dragon Con. Yay, she was lovely. Uh Helm uh so bleep Utrid and Wynn doing the Doctor Who, blah blah blah. Uh so they not they send Hild to take out Helm?

SPEAKER_06 1:00:37

No, they send Hild to take Elfwyn to safety through the seagate.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:43

To meet Father Perlin. Yeah. And while the Scots are approaching, Helm himself gets all like, see, I told you they'd be here. Ho ho victory is at hand, blurb. And then Sea Dog's like, okay, open that seagate, send everyone out. Start making it look like we're leaving.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:03

They're pretending to abandon Ed Bath Beyond, right?

SPEAKER_06 1:01:07

Yes. To draw Ed off his horse.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:11

Then cut to none uh Hilde and Wynn, and Hilde like kills a guy, yeah, and then it's like, damn girls!

SPEAKER_03 1:01:21

Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:24

Hilda's all like, I hope I don't have to kill nobody, and then she immediately kills somebody.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:28

Whereas mom would have been like, oh, let me do that for you.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:33

Hold still now. This is heavier than my previous dagger.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:38

And it's funny because uh Hilde's standing in the front with a sword faced forward and um wins behind her, and a bunch of dudes just like hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, those.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:51

Those are like people that live there. I don't think they're combatants.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:55

They just run past them, they're not even paying attention.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:57

Yeah, which is a weird thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:59

Yeah, uh, cut to a flaming shield wall. That was everyone's on fire. Everybody is on fire. Interesting ways to die. We get a free fall piking.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:10

Yeah, one guy got skewered real good. Mm-hmm. Uh Ed's watching all of this happen and looking pretty shook. Uh, inside, Whitgard's freak freaking out. What are you doing leaving right now? Why are you doing this? What's going on here?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:25

Well, Hagrid tells the men to stand down. Final pharmacy panty are watching and kind of hoping that Edward's not falling for this shit. They're like, they see the Scots, right? Udrid sees the Scots. He knows what the fuck is up.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:38

And Bowl Cut now is reporting to Edward that apparently they've won. Oh fuck. Edward says, Great, let's go into battle. And Udrid's like, do not do this. Don't do. And Edward's like, fuck off unless you're with me. So I think Sinlith and Utrud like fuck off. Did they they went back into the ranks anyway?

SPEAKER_06 1:03:04

Yeah, and Utrid tries to signal that shit ain't going down. We're not done yet. Don't they're not they're just faking. He gets shot at a ton. Uh Utrud tries to warn Edward that it's a bad idea, and he gets told to leave. So, and then at this point, I just kind of lost the ability to keep up. The key thing is that Edward got off his horse and they attacked on foot. The Scots came out of the trees, Utrud gets thrown into some hay, and then the splurting begins. Comment about how war was really dumb. Because they just got in a line and hit each other. Sea Dog gets ready by praying on the on his sword, and then he just goes ham. Holy shit.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:48

There's Scuds from behind, Scots in the front, and the guys at the gates see what's happening, right? Uh-huh. Utrud's standing there watching, going, dude can fight. Then they open the gates and out come all the guys who were just waiting inside. They thought went the other way, right? And Utrid sees off in the distance.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:10

He sees Steora on horseback.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:12

And it's like, which was wild.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:14

What's she doing out there?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:16

Wait, is this when he's oh yeah, okay. He does see her. He recognizes her.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:19

Yeah, and that's when the boys all leave on three random horses.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:21

They just grab before wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay before that. Before that, though, this is when they start. Okay, so the they come in from the back, they come in from the front. And rather than trying to fight them on all sides, they've just corralled them towards the sea cliff.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:42

And they're just going to press forward until everybody who's not a Scot falls off the cliff.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:52

This is an interesting strategy.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:54

Well, I mean, it's it's utilizing the environment to your advantage.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:59

Here's my question: Do you want to be the first couple guys who go off? Because you're definitely dead. It's over, you're done. Or do you want to be one of the last guys off and hope that you're gonna land on a pile of other guys that are gonna cushion your fall?

SPEAKER_06 1:05:16

If the pile of dead bodies is so great that you break your fall with more dead bodies, I don't think you've won. I think that's just rough, and I think it's gross because you're gonna get dude all over you. Anyway, wearing armor though. Anyway, Aldhelm gets trampled during this, I think, at one point, and I thought he was dead.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:37

But the whole pushing into the sea, guys, I'm going to have nightmares. It's going to be nightmares.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:42

It's really rough. It was rough to look at that. It was. Okay. So Utreat and the fellas run out to meet Styora, and she said that we're not going to bother fighting because there's nothing to fight for. They're done. They're dead. The English can't come back. And Utrud's like, alright, I guess I'm gonna have to campaign here.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:03

Now he gets a speech. Here's a big speech. How many times has he promised all this shit to other Danes? Follow me and you'll get a hob. All of a sudden during the speech though, Edith in the background is like getting turned on. Yeah. It's and then Stewart's like so the Scots turn around and they see the Danes coming for them. As they're still putting more knights over the cliff. God's kinda sucks.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:33

Yeah, and and they showed them falling every now and again. We get that blood bag that Mike talked about where they hit the ground and just Yeah, or or on the cliff sides, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:43

You'll see the there'll be the big red smeared here's my question. How do you in that battle, how do you know who to kill? Everybody looks the same. Kill the blue. Well, that's the Scots. Yeah, and that's the blue kilts on.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:59

It's everybody against the Scots.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:02

I guess that's true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:04

Because at this point, Whitgar has abandoned his people have left or are fighting on their own to avert conquering by the Scots, I think. Anyway, one of the one of the funny things happens in this upcoming battle chunk. Uh Finn disarms a guy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Literally. Oh, I missed that. Yeah, he cuts a guy's arm off and then hits him with the arm, which I really like. Utrid was dual-wielded.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:35

You know what? That's how where have I heard that before? It's it's like if you do that, I'm gonna cut off your arm and I'm gonna slap you with it. I don't know, but I love it. I can't remember what that's from. Shit. If it's not in a movie, it should be.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:49

It is in a couple movies, actually.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:51

I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:53

They're not good, but it happens.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:55

Hey, you know what? I'm on. I'm I'm I'm all for it. We'll do a movie marathon. No, we won't. Okay. Stuart's lieutenant dies by spear. So she's upset again. Now she's pumped to do some killing. Did you see the guy in suspenders who was fighting? It looked like he had a western shirt tucked in. Maybe I hallucinated it. You may have. I don't remember seeing guy with suspenders. Okay. It's probably just some light-colored, like, I don't know, cross leather something on his back. Who knows? So Ed just makes it out before he would have gone over the cliff, of course. Yeah. And all I can think is, ah, he's the five dollar bill in that uh bonus hole game.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:46

With the quarters. Let's shove the quarters to the edge. I'm addicted to that game. They start picking off the guys who have torches as they're setting things on fire. And Helm is like, you know what? If uh if your father wins, I don't know what he's gonna do to you. And I'm like, why would he do anything to weird? It's it was all Helm lied to him and and coerced him. But Utrid's like, take some hostages, they're taking hostages, we'll take some hostages, then we'll do uh whatever. Then off in the corner, Utrid sees Whitless and he runs into the fortress. Dun dun dun.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:22

Stan follows them.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:23

Uh inside in the courtyard, uh, Utrid goes three on one with uh with uh Whitgar, some guy, and Hagrid.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:36

And uh everyone dies but Whitgar, who runs away.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:40

And Stan's yelling, don't go, don't fight alone. You went without your battle, buddy. I want to watch. No, you gotta take your battle, buddy. So everything's catching on fire, and Stan's running through the maze, and he comes across Helm.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:00

And he's gonna be able to get away. He tries to draw tries to draw a weapon on Ethelstan, who just slaps it out of his hands.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:08

Yeah, because he's an old man. If I pulled a weapon on somebody, they better slap it out of my hand, otherwise they're gonna see some bad juju.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:18

Well, this this was an interesting little uh interesting little turn of events, because we see uh Ethel uh Ethelstan holds House hostage essentially and tries to get him to explain to Elfweird what he's done. And then we cut back to Utrid looking for Whitgar. And then we go back to House and his talk with Elfweird, and he basically says, Look, I didn't mean to kill your mother, but I mean I kinda am responsible for it. I had a reason.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:52

Yeah, yeah, she wasn't the target, but she was so fucking cool, you guys, that what she did, she stood up. She stood up and said, It's me, I'm the one you're looking for. When it wasn't, and they took her, and they after. And and then so now Weird gets his moment in the finale. You made me think it could have been my father.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:21

He's like, do whatever you want. Do what you want with him. That would have been great if it was like, alright, fine. Before I put you to death, we're playing sorry, best of three. Are you good with a pop-up bubble, old man?

SPEAKER_02 1:11:33

Is I thought trouble had the pop-matic.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:35

Fuck you right, goddammit, I wanted it to be trouble.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:39

Sorry, yeah. Sorry, has just the little pegs in the uh dice.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:45

I don't even know. I'm so sad. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:47

Stan lets him live, but he's like, fuck that. Takes I love that he took his r uh left hand, put it behind his head.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:57

Like he needed help.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:59

Yes, and like shoved it down on the knife. That went up to the biggest.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:03

Well, he was kind of a both directions, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:07

It was gross. But I'm like, do you think he he could have stabbed himself?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:11

That's hard to do, though. Stabbing yourself through the skull would be really hard. Yeah, you'd probably just go, ooh, ow, ow, ow, shit, ow, ow. Because if you did that and then you did the one under the chin, it's like corn cob holders.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:26

Oh, that's gross. Anyway, so Utrud's gross. Utred walks through the very soon-to-be-burning castle, finds Whitgar, or is attempting to find Whitgar.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:36

But who sneaks up on him?

SPEAKER_06 1:12:38

He gets a drop on him, but fails. And so he just tosses Whitgar over the banister onto a big old candlestick.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:46

Yep. Oh, that was a good one too. That was a good spiking. Yeah. But but everyone's got to be a good one. It's funny because he goes, Yeah, you killed your father. Or no, you killed my father. I don't know. You killed your father, and your son's gonna kill you, and blah blah blah. That is our destiny. And Utrid just goes, That was not. There was moverboard. Yeek.

SPEAKER_06 1:13:12

And I was like, Well, that's good. So Utrud walks out to the courtyard and Ethelstan finds him there, and he's like, You gotta go. Because it's well, everything's on fire, and the smoke will get you. And Utrid says the dumbest fucking thing. It's my destiny to die at Bebimbah. And I'm like, oh god. I almost got real angry.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:31

And then I actually I'm sure he was gonna remodel anyway. I mean, it's just burning down, right? It's wood. You can rebuild wood. He was gonna remodel. Utrid's like, leave me here. We've got some. This is air quotes, I'm doing air quotes. Divine intervention because it starts raining, and not just raining, but raining hard enough to put the fire out. No, for a firefighter. You know that regular rain is not enough to put a raging fire out. So, anyhow. I said that's not really how that works.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:00

I didn't notes, but I did also write Utrid finally won.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:04

What are the odds? Okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:06

Pretty good. It's episode 10.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:08

Wet armor must suck. Like hanging out in wet armor. Ugh. Utrid's crying in the rain, kneeling in the courtyard of Bedbath Beyond. He's won, I guess. Constantine. No, no. And I thought this is the end of the show. This is an epic moment. He's kneeling in the courtyard. He's won. Could've ended there.

unknown 1:14:27

Nope.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:28

Cut two. Constantine has prisoners. And uh Utrid has prisoners, and he's like, hey, welcome to my fortress.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:36

It needs a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:40

I am Udrid, son of Utrud. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. So Constantine's like, yep, you're the Lord of Beba Baha, whatever. And then he's like, uh, you know what? I got six of your guys. You've only got one of mine, but I mean it was like his key guy. He's like, uh, you have to swear to Scotland, and he's like, fuck no. Nope. They let go of Sinlith, Vutrid, whoever's you released, whoever who else was there? Aldhelm. Aldhelm.

SPEAKER_06 1:15:09

Wasn't it? Yeah. And Utun at the end is like, there is one way I can keep you from invading my lands. And we don't get to hear that until after. After, after. Because there's like After after.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:22

Yes. We've got like three more scenes before we find out. Or more than that. Oh my god, so many pages before we find out.

SPEAKER_06 1:15:31

It's our first two-hour episode. No, I'm just curious. It really is simple. There's a big party, everybody hugs, there's lots of drinking, and everybody's happy.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:39

Why did they do mom's hair so bad?

SPEAKER_06 1:15:42

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:44

Why'd they do her dirty like that? Yeah, why did they give her blue gray hair? It was weird. Because she's too young. Constantine, isn't she the same age as Edward or something? Do we figure out she's only like seven years older than him or something? Yeah, it's pretty sad. Constantine then leaves. He kind of mean mugs Ed on his way past. He does give him the stink eye. Ah, Steora sees everybody having a good time in Bed Bath Beyond. There's lots of hugging and blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_06 1:16:13

Ed gives his official speech about how it's uh Utred earned his thing and he's very happy with him. Blah blah blah. And then we get a little cut to the beach where Hilde has uh an interview. Osbert? Uh Osbert. Thanks, Mike. Who's Osbert? Utred's long-lost son, who's been hidden away forever. Did we forget about Osbert? Well, you and I did, but Mike never forgets Osbert. And he's so proud of himself.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:41

We had this discussion a couple of episodes ago because we talked about the one that was hidden, and neither one of you believed me that there was another Utrid out there.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:49

Well, right. Oh, that's right, because that was his name when he was born, was Osbert before he got taken by the Danes. Oh, Keats, okay. She's gonna go introduce him to Utrid. How does she have him? Where did she find him? Where is she gone? Did she leave and come back?

SPEAKER_06 1:17:04

Probably at the monastery. Because earlier, or the the wherever, wherever Hilde was before, because uh Utrid asked her for help, and she said, No, he's too young for that. And he says, No, never him. That's not what I was talking about. I need you to help me with find Heston, who is literally right there. So he had been hiding. Uh there's a big look at everybody being happy. Uh Elfwyn goes and gives her grandmother a hug, and then Ayleswith gives Kinlef to her, and there's a lot of smooching. Utrid asks Edith to stay. Ayleswith thinks that he's talking to her. Edward goes clinking glasses with everyone and goes up and talks to Utrid. And then Utrid breaks his little heart. His little kingly heart.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:58

He's like, We will feast like brothers, and then you will swear to me. And he's like, Oh yeah.

unknown 1:18:04

About that.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:06

We're gonna be a buffer state. Bye. We are a Sweden.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:11

Is it Sweden or Switzerland? Neither really, because Switzerland just doesn't get involved in wars. Whereas Lutrid will likely have to fend off or well not fend off because he's keeping he's keeping Scotland away from England. And Ed just isn't having it.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:27

He's like, Are you fucking kidding me?

SPEAKER_06 1:18:32

All that I have done for you. Just after saying you have done us such a great service, we can never repay you.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:38

Yes, and because he kept he had no fucking patience, he would just go. He's like, Well, haven't heard from Utrud in 15 minutes, so we're just gonna go. It takes like an hour to get there. Yeah, well, yeah. By the time we rally everybody, get the horses, it's gonna be a while, guys. So he's like, Look, you're not the guy that's gonna unite everyone. So basically, I'm gonna hang on here until that guy comes along. So then he's like, I'm gonna make a toast to bed not beyond, and they're all like, and the crowd says, to all you hear. Then you get Trent, Ur Trent, Ur. He's like, I am Udred, son of Udred. I've been pretty much fucked over for decades, and now I'm a pain in Ed's ass. I'm all the stand between them and the United Airlines. I mean United England. Uh who will rule? Will it then we get our American graffiti clothes. I say, who will rule? Will it be Prince Valiant? There's a baby for Ed and Edge. Who can say? We see Utred and Stan like mock fighting. I am Utred, son of Utrid. Density is all five season montage that goes on forever.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:01

Ah I forgot.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:02

He is having a character full-on life flashing before his eyes, and this is when I noticed that the way that they aged him was just shaving his hair back further and further each season. And why in that scene did it look like he was wearing a polo under a crew neck sweater? Was he already dressed for the rap party or something? I was like, did we get him?

SPEAKER_06 1:20:25

I do not want to worry about getting out the costume. I'm just going to wear what I had on when I got here.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:31

Long shot of the front of the fortress as they pan out to an amazing painting, I will say. I don't think that was a painting. There's no way that was a set. It's very small, but it was no, yeah, it's like this big. That's it. Who mows that? They showed like they show the whole backfield. How would they have how would they have kept that to just grass? Who would weed it? Come on. Did we miss anything, Mike? All seasons, all five seasons.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:09

I'm sure if we went back and watched it again, we'd fight all sorts of stuff we missed. Holy nuggets. Good story. Good story, though. I'm looking forward to actually seeing the movie.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:22

Is that whenever whatever the guy comes along? Is that a good story or what's the okay? So next week. Very excited how to the directing comes out on Sunday. Which means we'll be watching that talking about it and that'll come out on Wednesday. I'm very excited. And uh thank you so much for listening. I'm telling you, if you if you listen Royal I'm uh just say hey, hey listen. You're weird or you're funny or fuck you or you have weird hair, uh you can tell me that. Hey, I do. I didn't say it to me because I don't have uh some hair.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:20

If you say hairs, I don't have that.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:25

I'm gonna thank our producer Mike. Thanks, Mike, you're welcome. And the five folks over at injured notes productions. We cannot wait to do it next week, which is absolutely not to do this week until then. You know what it's doing. Love you.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:48

Royal Highness is an injured notes production. It is produced and directed by Mike Beacon, and is available on all podcast networks. The comments and opinions expressed here are those of the hosts and their guests, and are not affiliated in any way with Netflix or the last instance. If you would like to contact us, you can do so at RoyalHighnesspod email.com. Thanks for listening. We hope you come back to listen again.